Nothing is Left Undone....

I hope you brought your inhaler... I'm about to take you inside of my mind.  I figured the best way to "get to" what I want to talk about, is to share with you the obstacles I experience to my getting there.  A verse in the Tao Te Ching reads something like this:

The ordinary person does many things
and there are many things left undone.
The master does nothing
and nothing is left undone.

Less and less do you need to force things,
until finally you arrive at non-action (wu-wei).
When nothing is done, nothing is left undone.

Um.  What?  So three weeks ago I went to Deer Park Monastery, had an amazing encounter with the practice of mindfulness, came home started this blog.  The problem was, of course, that at home, I have more I do than on retreat. I have a job - two of them actually.  No one is cooking my meals for me, so eating mindfully either means spending money on food others cook for me (it's harder to eat out mindfully, I've noticed - there are people talking all around you, music playing, and, if you're at a place with servers, servers seem to get concerned when you eat your food one bite at a time, smile, and breathe) or cooking mindfully AND eating mindfully, which takes, well... time.  So here's the mindstorm of the past few weeks - or at least a glimpse of it:

I came home wanting to get more into yoga and tai chi.  But what does that mean?  Do I go train formally, or do I do it on my own?  I used to train up in Burbank (tai chi) but I left b/c I didn't like the head instructor, but I liked the classes and the structure and the attention to detail.  I liked the difference it made in my life when I was there.  But it's in Burbank.  And I'm trying to wean myself from car dependency.  So what happens when I start driving less.  And how do I fit it into my schedule anyway?  The classes are Sunday morning and Monday evening.  What is my tutoring schedule going to look like after the summer arrives, anyway?  What nights do I want free?  When will I fit in going to yoga?  And I've been trying to wake up earlier, you know, to practice mindfulness: longer meditation, walking meditation, maybe tai chi or yoga.  But then I'm tired.  Oh and if I want to ride a bike or do yoga or martial arts more consistently, I have to go to the gym and rehab my knee/leg, which is supremely important since my arthroscopic surgery in October.  Otherwise biking, weaning from car dependency, etc., is a no go.  And waking up early I just want to sleep on my lunch breaks.  And what's this all going to look like once I start my new part time job on Tuesday and my schedule changes, AND, dear God... I haven't even mentioned FRIENDS or COMMUNITY yet.  Why am I feeling so disconnected and overwhelmed?  I haven't placed myself in community for a long time.  So it's time to remember to get back to my community of faith... I do this.  Deep breath.  Maybe tai chi and yoga aren't things to get so damn worked up about.  After all, I do have some debts I am paying back, so maybe I can just do yoga at a studio and at home, and continue to learn the tai chi yang long form from my dvd at home.  This sounds good.  Deep breath.  Relax.

Money... money... oh my student loans come out of deferment in June... do I put them back into that so I can pay off my credit card and a personal loan I am paying back?  Yes, probably. That means something else needs to be done.  I am on my last pair of contact lenses, I need to go to an eye doctor.  I am also due for a dental cleaning.  All of this "many things undone" is stressing me out - I need the chiropractor.  Perhaps I should start waking up earlier to meditate?  DO YOU SEE MY INSANITY?  Three of my closest southern California friends have newborns, and I want to see them as much as possible.  So then there's finding time for that.  And finding time for other friends.  And meetings I go to every week.  And how am I going to leave my footprint on the world, after all?  This is important - I should probably figure this out right now, while I'm typing this blog and feeling guilty about not calling the dentist or chiropractor yet and anxious that the dentist won't have an opening that works for me and then I'll have to just call back next week... and... and... and.... this is only the surface of it.  It doesn't enter into my confusion about relationships, my concern for the health and wellbeing of certain people I love dearly, my struggles to grow as a person, an adult, a spiritual being, and a recovering codependent.  Throw in a trip to NY to see my family and I'm f'ing tired!!!

So I've done - and am doing - many things.  And there's so damn much left to do I could collapse.  So what do I do?   What do I do?  I suppose, and not leastwise because it rhymes, I should answer this question in a more manageable "part 2."

To be continued....