I chose to start with a picture of two people playing push-hands because 1) it's tai chi related, as are these posts, somewhat and 2) I think push hands really profoundly illustrates this taoist idea of wu-wei - non action that is not the same as inaction. A way of doing without "doing" and moving in the world without creating extra resistance, tension etc. I guess I should say at the output that I think the "master" of whom Lao Tzu writes has to have let go of perfectionism. A perfectionistic striving after mindfulness, non-doing, enlightenment, or any other spiritual ideal seems to be a great hindrance to the "attainment" of that ideal. Probably because spiritual ideas are not meant to be attained, they are meant to be lived. By real human beings, not by ideal forms of humanity who just so happen to also have bodies.
So what does that mean to my present-moment life? Well, I think it is primarily about letting go. And I will admit, I am terrified of letting go. Part of why I feel so much stress and burden is because I am holding on to the illusion of control - that I can somehow just "figure out" the solutions to all of these "problems" and then everything will be peachy - forever. But then it's just a game of whack-a-mole that extends way beyond my ability to ever win - or even come close. Too many things remain undone when I'm trying to manage everything. Because then I have this friend in need over here, and this friend, and this task, and this appointment, but I also need to stay committed to this practice, etc. etc. In the words of AA's big book: [Am I] not the
victim of the delusion that [I] can wrest happiness and satisfaction out
of life if [I] only manage well? Oy. So turning things over.
Surrendering. Letting go. But, what if it all comes crashing down?
What if it all falls apart. It's funny, I literally wrote a book about letting go, and here I am 4 years later still learning how deep this practice runs, and how much it truly asks of us, by way of trust, honesty, surrender, and humility. Because first the ego has to be exhausted by the idea that it can appropriately manage all of life. Then it can let go. Then nothing is done, but nothing is left undone either. Probably because then I step out of the panic mode of "this needs done... and this needs done... and.. and... and..." Again, in AA terms, it's "first things first." I know there's a ton of shit I "need" to do, but I can't do it all at once. How to I just put everything on the shelf and let it sit there, perhaps disappear altogether. Face the fear that maybe (just maybe) my life will be okay even if I can do everything, or even most of things, I wish I could. I can look at what I can do right now, and focus on being 100% present to that, with all of its concomitant emotions and sensations. And I can be present to those, too. What happens if we let go? Who knows. It wouldn't be letting go if you knew what was going to happen, if you knew that by letting go it would "all just work out." Then letting go would just be another magic tool - a trick to manage our lives by not managing, and I don't think it works that way.
So the energy of mindfulness has to embrace the fear and the chaos and the overwhelm, too. Bring an energy of acceptance and compassion to what feels like unmindfulness. Because that unmindfulness might just be coming to awareness of deeper tensions and fears being uncovered as I grow. And for you, too. What feels like regress might actually be progress. Might actually be deeper awareness of what you didn't see before hand. Am I still going to be stressed and panicked from time to time? Am I still going to be overwhelmed by the amount of change going on in my life and the lives of those around me (THREE newborns, really?)? Of course I am. But perhaps I can bring just a little bit of mindfulness to it - along with compassion when I can't get up at 5:30, or I put off going to the dentist, or the list in my head is a mile longer than the list of things I've "done." So that's my journey. To get to a place where there's not anything to be done, because I'm doing one thing at a time. Just one. Yesterday I was sitting outside eating a late breakfast and looking at beautiful tree in bloom. I was chewing very mindfully and taking in the beauty of the tree, and it felt like I was being very mindful... focusing on one thing, only. Then I realized, no... I am focusing on two things: chewing and looking. So I stopped chewing and looked, only. Suddenly the tree sharpened in my vision, the silence deepened... the beauty became exponentially more profound. It was a sacred intimate moment that happened because I stopped chewing and just looked. I have tears at the back of my eyes just thinking about it, and deep gratitude for the ability to do just one thing. Just one. Right now "does nothing" is a little to abstract. But perhaps, just perhaps, I can trust that my life will be worthwhile even were I to die before I got to the dentist, or if I never sign up for another tai chi class again. And maybe, just maybe, this will allow me to get still enough to listen for what I really should be doing. If there are shoulds. If there is really a doing.
No comments:
Post a Comment