I have noticed a pattern lately in which some of my MOST unhealthy behaviors seem traceable to a simple inability (I think I ought to say "difficulty" rather than "inability") to let things be enough, as they are. What I mean is this - I go for a short walk and I enjoy it. I think I should walk farther, because if I enjoyed this short walk, I should extend it and walk even more. I watch something funny or inspiring online and I want something that increases that feeling even more. Something even MORE inspiring and/or funny.
As little of a thing as this can seem at first, I have noticed that it leads me down paths in my thoughts and actions that are quite disastrous. As I sat observing my simple, ordinary experience today, the thought came to me, "why isn't this enough?" Why can't I let this be enough? And then I could. At least then, in that moment. The strange thing is to notice that I'm looking for some kind of capping experience that alters ordinary life into something always marked by some kind of completion. Instead of allowing the experience of a moment to be what it is, I start seeking ways to make it "better" or "more." I am, if you'll pardon expression, seeking some kind of emotional orgasm. Something to bring me to a satiated, almost drug-like state. Something to push me beyond the realm of "ordinary" and into something I think is more complete and sublime.
It makes me think of the times at Deer Park when I have had that textbook eating meditation experience: I sit down, the bell is invited, and we start to eat. As I take a few bites I realize I really want some soy sauce on my lentils or rice. But the practice is to stay seated and be with the meal in front of me. I can't get up and "fix" it. So I have an opportunity to let the meal in front of me be enough. To not need to improve it, build upon it, make it better, etc. To simply dive more deeply into the experience of what it is, rather than seeking to make it into some penultimate ideal of what I think it should or could be. When I do that, I realize that it really is enough - as soon as I let go of the story in my head saying that it "should" be something better, more fulfilling, more intoxicating.
I suppose I could even play that game with this blog post. Perhaps, in light of this realization, and because it is late, I will simply let this be enough.
