Returning to the Breath

Once again I am reminded that there are times when the only thing that can be done is to return to the breath.  I try and try to find the answers in my head, but they are not there.  I look for answers in a book or on a page or in a prayer, but they do not come.  Perhaps this is because the questions I am asking are all wrong - born of an imbalanced psycho-spiritual-physiology that is disrupted and exacerbated by continuing to think it, reason it, plan it, try to "solve" it. 

When I go back to my breathing, mindfully, purposefully, it is a way of saying that this "problem" is intractable.  And acknowledging that it might not be a problem at all - it might be an imbalance of my own expression of being in the moment.  Simply put, breathing is the way I can let go of illusory problems I am 100% convinced are real.  Because I can't un-convince myself.  They feel too real for that - and the more I think on them, the more I entrench the neural pathways that convince me they are real - that they are scary - they are unsolvable and therefore terrifyingly overwhelming. 

But when I go back to my breath, I let my body and mind relax apart from the energy surrounding the story that continues to create fear or anxiety.  I let go.  It is not easy.  The stories seem to demand our recycling them in our mind's view; turning to the breath interrupts that flow.  It forces us to say that "solving" this "problem" is not the essential thing in my universe today.  It is a relinquishment of control.  And that is beyond difficult, yet it is so simple.  I just stop.  I say "I cannot bear this any more," and I begin to let it go, relax in my breathing.  I make a commitment not to fix, not to try to solve, to just put it away, to just breathe.  Maybe I need a day.  Maybe a week.  But attempting the same solutions in my head over and over again - this does not work.  Being in my body, relaxing, beginning to share with the people around me the swirl of feelings I feel - all of this works.  Letting go.  Releasing.  Surrender.  This is why I have fewer problems when I meditate - when I practice Tai Chi - when I practice yoga.  Because I am not living in my problem-creating centers.  I am living in my peace center - I am whole.  Because my breath is always just what it is.  My body's movements are always just what they are.  And even if they hurt, I am not adding to the pain through fearful thinking - obsessive thinking.

And now I will go there, rather than typing about it.  In the breath.  Letting everything go...